Keep Moving Forward

I wish that this post was filled with the glorious news that the latest procedure worked and that we are expecting another child, however, that is simply not the case.  The disappointment is a familiar feeling, yet the pain is no less.  I wallowed in self-pity for a couple of days and then I sprung back into action.  I spoke with Tulsa Fertility Clinic a few times this week.  It has been a little over a year since we began treatment with my current doctor and throughout this process, I have learned to become my own advocate.  Much of the decision-making has fallen to me as far as “what to do next” each time.  At this point, we have decided to push toward in vitro fertilization (IVF), a much more invasive procedure than what I have experienced thus far.  It is quite costly and my insurance company offers very limited coverage when it comes to fertility treatments, however we believe it is something that we can manage.  The financial counselor and IVF coordinator put my mind at ease about a few things.  This next step in our journey is sure to be emotionally draining, physically demanding, and just plain exhausting all around.

   I have decided to carry out one more cycle with my doctor here before our appointment in Tulsa on April 3^rd.  I have begun my medication, scheduled my ultrasound, and ordered the other necessary medications.  I am not sure that we will do another intrauterine insemination this cycle.  I just do not think this procedure will work for us.  At times I feel that I have completely zeroed out on my faith. However, something inside me keeps pushing me to continue to try.  If we are not successful this cycle, then we have made the preparations to move on to consult about IVF and I am confident that it is the right move for us.  Even if the results are not what we hoped for, at least we will know that we did everything that we could to achieve our dream.  IVF is not a guarantee, but it will significantly increase our chances to add to our family.  Our journey will end there, as it is the only other option that we have in regard to treatment.  I pray that my body will be able to meet the physical demands of the preparation and procedure, my spirit will remain hopeful, and that if we do not meet with success, our family will be able to make peace and keep moving forward.

God Gave Me You

"Mom, I'm still mad at you."
"If this is about that Barbie movie, I don't want to hear it."
"I'm not mad about that, I'm mad because you didn't let me get that toy for our baby."
"Honey, we don't have a baby right now."
"Well , someday we will! We just have to keep praying and asking Jesus."
"Even if we do that, we may not be able to have one."
"Well, we will just find a wishing star then!"

     This was the conversation I had with my daughter upon leaving our local Wal-Mart a few nights ago.  We had been shopping for a colleague's baby shower and she plummeted out of the cart and insisted that we buy a butterfly mobile for her baby. A poignant reminder that this struggle I have been facing for the past couple of years is a burden she carries on her tiny little shoulders as well. 
      Five years ago we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.  She had a head full of dark hair, big brown eyes, and a feisty temperament.  Arianna Leigh changed our lives forever.  As time has gone by, she has grown into an intelligent, articulate, and sometimes mischievous little girl.  For five years our universe has centered around this amazing child.  .
     When Arianna was around three years old, she began asking us when she could have a sibling.  She was not very understanding or patient about the process in the beginning.  One night she exclaimed, "Abbey is going to have a  baby sister. Kinley is going to have a baby sister. But not me!" Then she burst into tears. We went through similar scenarios for a couple of months. Then her father and I had a talk with her and we told her that if she really wanted a baby brother or sister. she needed to pray about it each day.  From that moment on, that is precisely what she has done.  Every prayer that has been uttered in our home since then has included a request for a baby brother or sister.  With every birthday candle that she has blown out, every wishbone that she has cracked, every balloon that she has released into the air, and every penny that she has tossed into a stream, she has remained hopeful.  Her faith astounds me. We try not to let her know much about the treatments we have gone through or give her much of an indication that her dream may not come to pass. Occasionally I will mention that despite all of our praying and wishing, there might be a chance that she will never have a brother or sister.  Her response is always the same-  "We will keep asking Jesus." 
     Though Arianna remains faithful, I know that our situation weighs heavy on her at times.  A few weeks ago she had her tonsils and adenoids removed.  We were driving home after the procedure and she was drifting in and out of sleep, still under the effects of anesthesia.  She kept muttering about the baby in my tummy and then woke up and proclaimed, "Jesus will send down a baby to go in your tummy!" One time in the bathtub she sighed and shook her head saying, "Jesus just keeps on NOT sending me a baby brother or sister." The majority of the time, however, she remains full of hope with a positive outlook.
     Our situation is a bit unique in the infertility world because we do have one child who was conceived without the aid of any fertility medications or assisted reproduction techniques.  Even our doctors and nurses seem baffled by our circumstances at times, so naturally friends and acquaintances have a hard time understanding as well.  In sharing my story I have received comments such as "You already have one child, isn't that enough?"  I suppose it is difficult for some to understand that my desire to have another child has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I already have one.  Pain is pain. When you have been deprived of something your heart truly desires, it is heartbreaking.  Without my daughter, I am quite certain that I would not be able to face what I am up against.  I am beyond grateful for the beautiful little miracle that I have been blessed with.  One thing that I have learned from this whole experience is to never take her for granted. This trial has opened my eyes to just how thankful I am for her and I think about that every single day.  Often I will gaze upon her face and think to myself, "How did you get here?" Such feelings make the desire in my heart for another child grow even stronger.  More than anything, I want this for her.

   A few months ago I downloaded Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You."  Arianna and I began listening to it in the car and we found ourselves singing it at random times and we often finished the lyrics for each other.  The line "God gave me you for the days of doubt" reminds me of a rather somber day last summer.  I was in the bathroom and had just taken another negative pregnancy test.  I became frustrated and I began crying.  Arianna came in and asked me what was wrong. Normally I would have given her some sort of excuse and would not have shared the true source of my grief, but this time I felt inspired to do so.  I told her, "Mommy is sad that we don't have a baby brother or sister yet."  She grabbed some tissue and started dabbing my eyes and replied, "There, there. It will be alright, you'll see.  We will just keep asking Jesus."  As we continue on this journey, we will do just that.