New Beginnings

      We traveled to Tulsa Fertility Clinic last week and visited a new doctor.  A few weeks ago I took it upon myself to call and make my own appointment and have our records sent. The staff at the clinic in Tulsa were all extremely helpful and they were able to get us in to see them quickly. I spoke with them a few times leading up to our appointment. I just had this feeling that we would never have success with my doctor here in our area. I was right! Just a few minutes into our visit, our new doctor looked over my husband's past couple of tests and told us that with the numbers we have to work with, we only had a 1-3% chance of conceiving another child with the procedures we had done at my OBGYN'S office. It took a minute for me to grasp that we had just spent a year of our time enduring endless rounds of medication, tests, and procedures, as well as spending a couple thousand dollars-and it was all in vain! Now that I have had time to process it, I can recognize that the past year has prepared us for what we need to do next. I have learned so much about the world of infertility and myself. I am in a much better place to cope with our next step because of what I have been through.
     Our doctor also told us that since I have an autoimmune disease, I am likely to develop others as I grow older which could affect my ability to conceive and carry a child.  She said that one of the best things that could have happened to us on our infertility journey was for my husband's doctor to put him on the proper medication. She said that many doctors try to treat the problem by prescribing a testosterone, which actually suppresses sperm production. Fortunately, the doctor we had seen in Tulsa last year had the wisdom to prescribe Clomid and we have been able to see some positive results.
     Given our medical situation and with time working against both of our bodies, our doctor told us that the only option for us to be able to conceive another child is to undergo in vitro fertilization. I had already come to this conclusion before we arrived, so there was no decision to be made. We started taking the first steps in moving forward with it. The nurse gave us an informational packet to look over and some paperwork to have some blood tests done. My husband had his tests done yesterday and I traveled a little over an hour to Bentonville today to have a special blood test to assess my ovarian function.  Then I visited my doctor in Fort Smith for other tests. In about a week we will go back to Tulsa to go over our results and to take a class to learn about the injections we will have to use. In the meantime, I will start birth control and take that for a few weeks to prepare my body for the bombardment of medication that will ensue in the weeks leading up to the procedure. During that time, I will have to travel to Tulsa every couple of days until the procedure. The whole process is quite invasive. If you are unfamiliar with how in vitro fertilization works, the basic concept behind it involves daily injections of hormones that will stimulate my ovaries to produce many eggs.  These eggs will be monitored closely and when they are large enough a trigger shot will be given to release them.  I will be given a sedative and the doctor will retrieve the eggs.  The eggs will be fertilized in a labratory and then two will be transferred back into my body.  It will be up to my body to accept the eggs. If we have enough viable embryos, some will be frozen to be used in another cycle if needed. 
     As you can imagine, my mind was blown after that first visit.  How could we have been able to conceive this beautiful child six years ago after just three months of trying with no sort of fertility medication and now be faced with in vitro as our only chance of having another?  We know that my body was not under the strain of an auto-immune disease at that time.  It has manifested itself only in recent years.  My condition has not prevented me from becoming pregnant though, as I have been ovulating with the aid of medicine for over a year now.  The most mind-boggling thing our doctor told us at our consultation was that my husband's problem has most likely been an issue for some time.  She said, "I don't know what you believe in, but your first child was probably a true, divine miracle." 
       I still have so much to learn about this procedure and I worry constantly.  I worry about having to miss work, the side effects of the medication and how my body will hold up, the emotional toll the process will take on our family, the financial strain, missing important family events or possibly my daughter's dance recital if the timing of the procedure conflicts (it depends on my body and how the eggs are growing). Above all these small things, I worry that the procedure will not work.  My biggest fear at the moment is that my body will not allow an egg to implant.  I have read horrible stories in medical journals and on-line forums about how the presence of thyroid anitbodies, which I have, can inhibit implanation.  In the past week, I have been on the verge of tears every minute of every day.  It is so much to take in.  I am blessed to have the support of my employer, my colleagues, my dear friends, my family, and countless others.  Another comfort is that my church has an official stance on in vitro and the manner by which we are approaching it is supported.  I have decided not to update my blog until I am on the other side of this-whatever that may be.  It is simply too difficult for me and I need to focus on remaining positive and hopeful.  I ask for your prayers as we begin this journey.   

Keep Moving Forward

I wish that this post was filled with the glorious news that the latest procedure worked and that we are expecting another child, however, that is simply not the case.  The disappointment is a familiar feeling, yet the pain is no less.  I wallowed in self-pity for a couple of days and then I sprung back into action.  I spoke with Tulsa Fertility Clinic a few times this week.  It has been a little over a year since we began treatment with my current doctor and throughout this process, I have learned to become my own advocate.  Much of the decision-making has fallen to me as far as “what to do next” each time.  At this point, we have decided to push toward in vitro fertilization (IVF), a much more invasive procedure than what I have experienced thus far.  It is quite costly and my insurance company offers very limited coverage when it comes to fertility treatments, however we believe it is something that we can manage.  The financial counselor and IVF coordinator put my mind at ease about a few things.  This next step in our journey is sure to be emotionally draining, physically demanding, and just plain exhausting all around.

   I have decided to carry out one more cycle with my doctor here before our appointment in Tulsa on April 3^rd.  I have begun my medication, scheduled my ultrasound, and ordered the other necessary medications.  I am not sure that we will do another intrauterine insemination this cycle.  I just do not think this procedure will work for us.  At times I feel that I have completely zeroed out on my faith. However, something inside me keeps pushing me to continue to try.  If we are not successful this cycle, then we have made the preparations to move on to consult about IVF and I am confident that it is the right move for us.  Even if the results are not what we hoped for, at least we will know that we did everything that we could to achieve our dream.  IVF is not a guarantee, but it will significantly increase our chances to add to our family.  Our journey will end there, as it is the only other option that we have in regard to treatment.  I pray that my body will be able to meet the physical demands of the preparation and procedure, my spirit will remain hopeful, and that if we do not meet with success, our family will be able to make peace and keep moving forward.

God Gave Me You

"Mom, I'm still mad at you."
"If this is about that Barbie movie, I don't want to hear it."
"I'm not mad about that, I'm mad because you didn't let me get that toy for our baby."
"Honey, we don't have a baby right now."
"Well , someday we will! We just have to keep praying and asking Jesus."
"Even if we do that, we may not be able to have one."
"Well, we will just find a wishing star then!"

     This was the conversation I had with my daughter upon leaving our local Wal-Mart a few nights ago.  We had been shopping for a colleague's baby shower and she plummeted out of the cart and insisted that we buy a butterfly mobile for her baby. A poignant reminder that this struggle I have been facing for the past couple of years is a burden she carries on her tiny little shoulders as well. 
      Five years ago we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.  She had a head full of dark hair, big brown eyes, and a feisty temperament.  Arianna Leigh changed our lives forever.  As time has gone by, she has grown into an intelligent, articulate, and sometimes mischievous little girl.  For five years our universe has centered around this amazing child.  .
     When Arianna was around three years old, she began asking us when she could have a sibling.  She was not very understanding or patient about the process in the beginning.  One night she exclaimed, "Abbey is going to have a  baby sister. Kinley is going to have a baby sister. But not me!" Then she burst into tears. We went through similar scenarios for a couple of months. Then her father and I had a talk with her and we told her that if she really wanted a baby brother or sister. she needed to pray about it each day.  From that moment on, that is precisely what she has done.  Every prayer that has been uttered in our home since then has included a request for a baby brother or sister.  With every birthday candle that she has blown out, every wishbone that she has cracked, every balloon that she has released into the air, and every penny that she has tossed into a stream, she has remained hopeful.  Her faith astounds me. We try not to let her know much about the treatments we have gone through or give her much of an indication that her dream may not come to pass. Occasionally I will mention that despite all of our praying and wishing, there might be a chance that she will never have a brother or sister.  Her response is always the same-  "We will keep asking Jesus." 
     Though Arianna remains faithful, I know that our situation weighs heavy on her at times.  A few weeks ago she had her tonsils and adenoids removed.  We were driving home after the procedure and she was drifting in and out of sleep, still under the effects of anesthesia.  She kept muttering about the baby in my tummy and then woke up and proclaimed, "Jesus will send down a baby to go in your tummy!" One time in the bathtub she sighed and shook her head saying, "Jesus just keeps on NOT sending me a baby brother or sister." The majority of the time, however, she remains full of hope with a positive outlook.
     Our situation is a bit unique in the infertility world because we do have one child who was conceived without the aid of any fertility medications or assisted reproduction techniques.  Even our doctors and nurses seem baffled by our circumstances at times, so naturally friends and acquaintances have a hard time understanding as well.  In sharing my story I have received comments such as "You already have one child, isn't that enough?"  I suppose it is difficult for some to understand that my desire to have another child has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I already have one.  Pain is pain. When you have been deprived of something your heart truly desires, it is heartbreaking.  Without my daughter, I am quite certain that I would not be able to face what I am up against.  I am beyond grateful for the beautiful little miracle that I have been blessed with.  One thing that I have learned from this whole experience is to never take her for granted. This trial has opened my eyes to just how thankful I am for her and I think about that every single day.  Often I will gaze upon her face and think to myself, "How did you get here?" Such feelings make the desire in my heart for another child grow even stronger.  More than anything, I want this for her.

   A few months ago I downloaded Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You."  Arianna and I began listening to it in the car and we found ourselves singing it at random times and we often finished the lyrics for each other.  The line "God gave me you for the days of doubt" reminds me of a rather somber day last summer.  I was in the bathroom and had just taken another negative pregnancy test.  I became frustrated and I began crying.  Arianna came in and asked me what was wrong. Normally I would have given her some sort of excuse and would not have shared the true source of my grief, but this time I felt inspired to do so.  I told her, "Mommy is sad that we don't have a baby brother or sister yet."  She grabbed some tissue and started dabbing my eyes and replied, "There, there. It will be alright, you'll see.  We will just keep asking Jesus."  As we continue on this journey, we will do just that.

Our Journey

     I would like to thank everyone who has shown support through kind words, comments, and messages. Your encouragement goes a long way to lift me up and gives me the push I need to keep trying when I feel like giving up. In my last post I mentioned that I would provide a little more information about how our family was thrust into the unexpected world of secondary infertility. Without going into too many of the gruesome details, I thought that I would catch some of you up to speed.
      About two and a half years ago my husband and I started the discussion about having another child. This was during the summer of 2010. We decided that I would go ahead and stop taking my pill, but that we would not actively start trying until after the first of the year. I wanted to give myself some time to lose some weight that I had put on after my grandmother passed away and to get my body into the best possible shape to face another pregnancy. I was naive enough to think that it would only take us a couple of months to conceive as it did with my daughter. I cleaned up my eating and started weight training and I took up running. I lost 25 pounds by November of that year and I was in the best shape of my life-happy and healthy. We took a trip to Disneyworld over Christmas Break and all was well.
      We decided to get real about the business of baby making the following January. I started buying ovulation tests and tracking my cycles closely. Everything seemed to be right on track like it always had been. I never had the slightest issue with my cycle. I continued exercising and eating right and started taking prenatal vitamins. The months went by. When summertime rolled around, I had been off of birth control for a year. Around that time, I began to have severe stomach/digestive issues. I tried some over-the-counter medications and started taking probiotics. That seemed to help some at first, but eventually provided little relief. After a couple of months of problems with my stomach, I decided to see my family doctor. He told me to try taking fiber and suggested some other over-the-counter remedies. It would be another seven months before I saw him again.
      In September I had a cycle in which my period was several days late and I just knew for sure it meant what we thought it did. My cycles had always been so predictable-just like clockwork. Sadly, my period eventually came. The months continued to pass and each one would bring another negative pregnancy test. Before I knew it, 2011 was gone. As time passed my stomach issue continued to interfere with my daily life. I began to develop other strange seemingly unrelated symptoms. My hands started turning white and  going numb at the slightest variation in temperature. I could open the refrigerator and my fingers would go numb and turn completely white. I was also becoming very sluggish-it was difficult to get through the day due to extreme fatigue despite having a very healthy sleep schedule. I began to develop this feeling that all of my symptoms were related and I felt prompted to see my doctor again at the beginning of February of 2012.
     I'm not the type to go running to the doctor all the time, which he acknowledged. He agreed that my symptoms were connected to each other somehow and decided to test me for several autoimmune diseases including Rheumatoid Arthritis. He also ran a test of my thyroid function, and a test for a connective tissue disorder called Schleroderma. I was exhibiting symptoms common with Schleroderma and that alarmed him. Just a few days after the visit to my family doctor I was due for my yearly visit with my "female" doctor. At that visit we decided to start treatment for infertility since we had been trying to conceive for over a year. I waited for test results from my family doctor and then a phone call came at 9:00 in the evening a couple of nights after the tests. It was my doctor, which surprised me. He was elated. It wasn't Schleroderma, but my thyroid and that would be much easier to treat. I saw him for more tests and we found that I tested positive for antibodies which means that my body is attacking my thyroid. The name for this condition is Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Most of the time it leads to hypothyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid does not produce enough thyroid hormone and functions in the body slow down. This was the source of the symptoms that were bothering me. However, at times my thyroid will function normally and with medication I can have too much of the thyroid hormone. It can make treatment difficult, but after months of trying different dosages of a synthetic thyroid hormone, visiting a specialist for my stomach, and almost being referred to an endocrinologist, my doctor and I agreed on a dosage that my last few test results have been registering as normal. It's amazing what all a small butterfly-shaped gland at the base of your throat controls in your body!      
     With my thyroid under control, I continued the infertility treatments. I began each new month with renewed hope and ended it with much despair. It took a couple of cycles, but we began to see my body respond perfectly. In August of last year, my doctor suggested an intrauterine insemination and we cautiously agreed, not knowing what to expect. When the doctor came in to perform the procedure, he told us that there was a problem where my husband was concerned. So the doctor arranged for some testing which resulted in us being referred to a specialist in Tulsa that would help my husband. They performed more tests and gave us two different scenarios-one could be helped by medication and the other would offer no hope outside of in vitro fertilization, a rather invasive and expensive procedure. Fortunately, based on test results the doctor felt as though the drug Clomid, which was what I had been taking, would work for my husband as well. He began taking it and I took a break from my normal regimen for a couple of cycles.
     After a couple of months of medication, my husband underwent more testing and was showing some improvement, though we were still far from the normal ranges. I decided to start my treatments again after the first of this year and each time my body has done exactly as it should. Two days ago we tried another intrauterine insemination. It will be two weeks before we will know if it worked. Please join us in hoping this journey will be over for us soon!

Where to Begin...

"Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications."  After having no trouble what-so-ever conceiving and bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world, we never could have imagined that we would have any sort of problem doing the same when the time came for us to have another.  We could not have been more wrong. Our family has been facing secondary infertility for two and a half years now.  We have been receiving treatment for over a year. Our treatment at the moment consists of me taking the drug Clomid on days 5-9 of each cycle, getting an ultrasound on day 13 to see if I grew any egg folllicles, if/when a follicle is a good size taking a "trigger" shot of HCG to release it, using a hormone patch or pill for a week or so to build up the lining of my uterus, and then reporting back to my doctor's office to have blood drawn a week later to confirm that I ovulated. I have done this for just over a year, with a couple of breaks toward the end of last year. It took about 2 cycles to find the right dosage and then my body started responding beautifully. Just a couple of weeks before we started the infertility treatments, I had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that affects my thyroid. My family doctor made the diagnosis and I began seeing him every two weeks for blood tests to help him find the right dosage of medication for me. It was tricky and I was growing tired of getting blood drawn every week between the two doctors I was seeing, but after several months we found a dosage that worked for me and I started to enjoy relief from the symptoms that had been bothering me for so long. I just knew that our problem was on its way to being solved. My body was in excellent shape at that point. Last August, we tried an assisted reproduction procedure called an intrauterine insemination after 6 cycles of me ovulating perfectly. That is when we discovered my husband would need some help too. The procedure failed and we went to Tulsa to see a specialist for him which resulted in him taking Clomid as well. If you know anything about this medication you can guess that the two of us taking it at the same time can get interesting. With both of us on Clomid, we have picked back up with what has become the norm for us and we will try the same procedure that we tried before. If we are not successful in the next couple of months, we will be referred to a fertility clinic where they will be able to try a much more invasive procedure.  The emotional toll from this whole process has been one of the most difficult trials I have encountered. I decided to start this blog for several different reasons:

1. At some point I hope to be able to help others who have struggled through this same trial. This means that I first need to share my experience. 

2.  I have found that when I tell someone our story who does not know what we have been going through over the past couple of years, it lightens the burden a bit. I only share the details with a few close friends in different areas of my life. Infertility is not something that is easy to deal with alone and those with whom I have shared my experience have been a tremendous help.  I think being open about this trial will help me handle it better.

3.  There are many friends and acquaintances, some family even, who have no idea that we have been going through this or if we have told them they do not understand or know the full extent of our situation. People assume that since we have one child we should be able to have another.  Our situation is just is not that simple.

I will make a post with more details about how all of this started for us soon and I hope to update every couple of weeks or so.  I hope you will enjoy reading my thoughts on this struggle and will be inspired in some way!